Distressed

Looks like I'm not getting that job at 24 after all.

The search continues...

Searching

It's been a little while since I've written in here. Summer has been passing me by, and I haven't done much with this free time. On a positive note, I started my own T-shirt company called: Be Conscious.

It started off as a more of a passion project than a reality, until I decided, 'Why the hell not,' and I started printing tees. My first design is out now, and we'll see how it goes.

Currently looking for a job. I may have possibly found one at 24 Hour Fitness. But we'll see whether I land it or not.

Currently searching for myself. I know that sounds incredibly lame and cliche, but it's the truth. I don't know who I have become or am becoming. I don't know if that's a good thing, or a bad thing. I find myself unhappy when I do things that I used to love last summer. I have lost my priorities that I thought were so solid. But this is life.

I just hope I don't lose the ones I love the most during this process.

Here's to the search,


-Pasqual

Truly Blessed

to have met these two guys standing beside me.

As the first chapter of college life closes, I leave this semester on a positive note. At first, when I got to Chapman, I was skeptical of everything. Pessimism became too familiar to me, and I often found myself questioning if I had gone to the right place. But through the uncertainty, I found two friends that have been invaluable to my personal growth.

The freshman adjustment is finally over. I can't believe it came and went so fast. To think, I am one fourth of the way closer to the real world. But as Mister or Rav would've put it, I'm one step closer to the rest of my life.

As summer arrives, I am left feeling a little bit lost. I don't know where to head, because I'm out of school for over three months and I don't have a job. Even though they're only gonna be gone for a couple of months, I miss these dudes already. And that is not gay whatsoever.

So in retrospective, I look back on my freshman year in college as a year that has caused me to mature immensely. I'm not sure if that's because of the classes I took, or if it's the friends I made, like Ravi or Azriel, or if it's a combination of both. One thing is for sure though: I don't think the way I used to in high school.

Was Chapman the right school for me? I thought about this all year, and now, I have the answer. YES. Maybe I'm a little disappointed that I'm a Panther instead of a Trojan. Maybe the parties aren't as crazy as Santa Barbara. Maybe I'm not as grateful about being at this campus as I should be. But I am grateful that I met these two guys in the picture: Mister Azriel Dror, and Ravi Lloyd - two of the realest people I've ever met, by far. And to me, that is enough.

So I anticipated writing this 'end of the year' blog since first semester. I pictured writing this huge, long, reflection on the year.

But now that I'm here, I feel there's not much to say, except that it's done. Let's Keep Moving Forward.

ONE LOVE.

What I'm In To in 2010 pt. I

Why do I write these things again?

Bud on a Saturday afternoon. GOLD.

I keep this blogspot so that I can go back and read them in the future. I like to have messages with each post, so it's like I'm giving myself advice that I might need in the future.

Still into photography a week later. I feel that if I make it past the one month marker, then I can start calling this a hobby. I'm still pretty bad at taking pictures and I don't really know what I'm doing, but it's a fun pastime.

I've been going to these spoken word poetry sessions on Second Street in Pomona. It's called "A mic and dim lights". I usually go with my buddy Ravi from Chapman, and I started getting Dennis and Mike Adame to go, too. It's a pretty cool concept, this spoken word thing. Basically you pay 3 bucks to get inside, and if you want to perform, you just put your name on a list, and you get called up. People range from poetry, to rap, to a capella, to acoustic stuff, to short stories, pretty much any type of art form that is verbal.

It's interesting to watch the different types of people perform. There's all different walks of life that go up there. There's a few emo kids, some folky guys, some feminists, just every different type of person that normally would not go near each other are mixed in this one room and they all get along. It's a mind-opening experience, I tell you. My favorite performer last night was this older guy, probably about 30 or so. He told us that he had gotten out of prison a few months ago, and started going to these dim lights sessions to stay off the streets. He said that after going every week for some time, he got inspired to get his life together and started enrolling to go back to school. Then, he went up and busted some 90's old-school gangsta rap song that he had written. He was like a mixture of N.W.A. and Public Enemy, saying both some super gangster stuff and then some political stuff. It was kinda funny, but at the same time, I found myself really getting into it.

Each time I leave the dim lights, I feel refreshed, and inspired. It never ceases to amaze me that so many of these performers are from working class families. Some of them are first generation citizens in America, others are fucked up on drugs. A lot of the people that surround me seem like the type of people that are going to struggle a lot in life just to get by. Yet, it amazes me when they step up to the mic and speak pure knowledge. They're so talented. In a way, I feel like these people are much more wise than those going to fancy universities getting big degrees. These people have suffered more. They're not as privileged, so they work harder. I look at myself, and I see that I really have it easy. I middle class home with a comfortable lifestyle. I don't have to work 9 to 5 to put food on the table or clothes on my back. My parents support me, both financially and emotionally. I drive a nice-ass car that they bought me, I didn't even pay a cent. Even when I'm out of work, they still support me and give me extra money to get food and gas. They pay for my school. I have it so easy.

Each time I see someone perform at the dim lights, I am moved by their talent, and their struggle that they express.

I'm thinking about getting up there some time.

Spring Break 2010

This week was my spring break. I didn't do much except play basketball with the boys and started brainstorming for some music videos I'm going to shoot for some of my musically talented friends. I kept trying to find something cool to do, since I had so much free time on my hands. I decided it would be cool to start taking pictures. So, I picked up a cheap Diana MINI half-frame camera and started fooling around with it.

When my mom found out I was interested in photography, she handed me a 35 mm Canon AE-1 that used to be hers back in the '80s. This thing is a beast. I put the Diana away and started carrying the AE-1 around with me wherever I went. I'm pretty excited because I just finished a roll of film about 10 minutes ago, so I'm gonna head to the photo lab right after this to get it developed.
This photography thing is probably going to be a phase, but we will see.

My girlfriend went to Hawaii for spring break, so I didn't see her until Saturday. This was a new thing for me. I'm used to calling her up whenever I'm bored or don't have class, and since I was very bored this week and also didn't have class, I missed her. It was a weird feeling not having her for a week. I know that sounds pathetic, it's only a week, but it was still different.
I was so used to seeing her all the time, and when all the sudden I couldn't reach her, I realized how much I did miss her. In long-term relationships, I think people often take advantage of their significant other. It becomes a comfort zone, more than a relationship. After a long time, people throw the romance out the window.

Spending a week away from her made me appreciate having her, and so when she came back, it was extra nice seeing her.

Another thing that happened when she was gone, I gained independence. This is crucial in college. Maybe I was too dependent on her, but now, I realize that I have to be my own man, and she has to be her own woman. College is all about YOU, and that's why relationships often fail during college, because people get swept up in their own priorities.
In college relationships, people are scared about creating priorities, because they don't want them to get in the way of their girlfriend/boyfriend. But they end up sacrificing so much for their lover, that in the end, they are still not happy.

So maybe, before this freshman adjustment comes to an end, I will figure out how to balance a little better.

The Big Green Giant

Jealousy. You can't help but feel it at some point in your life. Whether it's that dude with the super nice car that parks next to you everyday just to rub it in, or it's that kid that got a better grade than you on your exam, even though you studied way more. We've all felt it, we know how it goes.
But I'm talking about jealousy in relationships. You could say I'm "the jealous type", but I prefer not to say that. I'm just a guy, like a majority of the guys out there. We have all those raging hormones in us. Even though we try to play it off like we're the cool guys that never get mad, we can't help but feel at least a slight tinge of jealousy when we see someone flirting with our girlfriend/significant other. Some guys are worse than others, but everyone feels some degree of jealousy.

It can get hard when you go to college, especially if you're going to two separate schools. She always tells me about the guys that hit on her. I'll be honest with you, it pisses me off. But I'm not about to start a gang war over something like that. After all, they're just guys like myself.

I was in that position once. I was the homewrecker. I've probably homewrecked a total of 4 girls in my lifetime; all of them had long-term boyfriends. Now how terrible is that?

Jeez, looking back on it, I feel like a real dick. So now, it's coming back to bite me in the ass. Now I'm the long-term boyfriend that is being threatened by an outside enemy. It sucks to be the guy on the other side.

Jealousy is a bad thing in life, and especially in relationships. Jealousy is like a big monster that you have to control because if it gets out of hand, it can destroy everything. I've had very serious thoughts about trying beat up this guy, or at least rallying my friends up and jumping him or messing up his car. I've seriously considered all of these things.

But that is just the jealousy taking hold of me. I have to realize all of the repercussions of these actions, and I see that it's not really worth it.

So to everyone out there, if the big green giant is sitting on your shoulder, don't think twice. Go do something like work out or run or break something, then think about it 4 more times.

And if it still bothers you? Then think about this: if your lover really loves you, then there's nothing to be jealous about.

Don't Be A Stranger, Pasqual

I have not written in this blog for a while...

As a matter of fact, I forgot I even had a blog until I ran into it on my bookmarks bar.

Anyway, I was reading my old posts and it was crazy to see how much I have changed since high school. I think change is a beautiful thing. I used to hate it; I always wanted things to remain at a constant. But I realize now, that change is necessary for everything.

I dreaded college, and I thought my life would turn upside down because all of my friends were going to different places, including my girlfriend.

But now, I appreciate it. Yes, there have been hard times, but that's just the freshman adjustment, and it will be easier next year.

More than anything, I have spent time alone.

Everyday I drive 60 miles on average, to and from school. Sometimes it takes me an hour, sometimes 2 and a half. That whole time, I'm alone in my car.

I was never used to being alone. I always had my brother with me, or my friends, or my girl. I was never alone.

At first it made me feel uncomfortable to be alone; I felt like a loser, or like I was doing something wrong. But now, I like it. To me, the road is a time for me to think, reflect, and predict.

Most of the ideas I get have been from driving on the freeway.

So before I go, a quick update for future reference. I'm still with Robin, I am a freshman at Chapman University, majoring at the film school in Creative Producing. I have an internship at the City of Brea TV and broadcast station. I still think Sublime is the greatest band ever, but I don't mind popping in some Bad Brains or Kanye West or even Public Enemy; depending on my mood. I still go to the gym a lot; not every day, but I try. I'm currently writing a screenplay to a movie called: "Thanks for Waiting", which I hope to film one day. Still love my brother. Still love my Mom and Dad. Oh yeah, and I got a dog. His name is BUD. I love him, too. He's watching me write this.

Change is growth.